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 Poem for the lost soldier

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Spl. Durkee
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PostSubject: Poem for the lost soldier   Wed Apr 01, 2009 2:13 am

Ok so I had an assignment in school to write a poem about something/someone I've lost. I knew right away that I wanted to write in memory of my friend Steven who was killed in 2002 in the line of duty. So heres the first draft of my poem, please give some constructive criticism and some things maybe that I could change to make it better:

Late two thousand and one a young man enlisted,
He'd made up his mind, but the choice was assisted,
For early that day, the blue skies went black
From the billowing smoke, of a cowardly attack.

He shipped off to war, nothing worth fearing
No thought of the carnage that, quickly nearing,
Would cut his life short, and and show a side of war,
He'd not expected when he joined the Marine Corps.

On the third month in combat, the excitement had gone
His comrades were dying, his mind was withdrawn
The reality of battle was a sobering strike
It was not what he thought war would be like.

So without care, for he was tired to the bone,
He walked into battle, into the danger zome,
An act of Godd, one might say,
A bullet pierced his chest, from an insurgent's AK.

He dropped to the dirt, dying where he laid,
As the corpman screamed out, attempting first aid,
It was no use, his life was all but gone,
He pleaded with Godd, and he kept pleading on.

Though bullet's still rang out in the Baghdad sky
The loudest noise about was the a young marine's cry,
He slipped off the earth, off this helll hole,
To roam the night sky, a Marine on patrol.

Chris Durkee
3/31/09

--

So whata you think?
wow, the dumb language filters ruined it...


Last edited by Spl. Durkee on Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:10 am; edited 1 time in total
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elementfrvr
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Wed Apr 01, 2009 9:32 am

Wow that was a good poem and I normally hate poetry. Sorry about your friend though Crying or Very sad
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white wolf
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:02 pm

Nice

I see that everyday.

Nice work once again
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Lone Wolf
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Wed Apr 01, 2009 9:33 pm

It is very deep.

Towards the end you got a little too specific than the beginning just think simpler. Don't make it like a SITREP if you know what I mean.
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sticks.13
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Wed Apr 01, 2009 9:38 pm

Awesome poem! Im sorry about your loss too Sad.

What grade did you get for this? If your teacher has an sense it should be an A. Smile

sticks

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Spl. Durkee
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Wed Apr 01, 2009 9:39 pm

Ya I kinda noticed that too Lone Wolf. Considering it took me 20 minutes and this is the first draft i'm pretty happy with it. Thanks for the feedback, It's good to know that I'm not the only one that noticed that problem. I don't know if I'm going to change anything though, I like to keep my poems raw...like straight from my soul to the paper. Meaning, no edits or anything. Just pure poetry haha. Thanks!!!

EDIT

Woops sorry sticks, I didnt see your post there. Thanks for the feedback and your regards. He was a great guy and a close family friend. I got an A and he said I had a strong chance of getting into the poetry competition at the end of the school year (which is surprising because everyone else at my school is IB and straight A students, not me..)

Thanks for the positive feedback everyone!
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Jarhead999 76 65
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:17 am

Excuse the necro, but Jesus Durkee, good job! I am deeply saddened by your loss, though. Godd rest his soul.
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Spl. Durkee
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:19 am

Jarhead999 76 65 wrote:
Excuse the necro, but Jesus Durkee, good job! I am deeply saddened by your loss, though. Godd rest his soul.

Amen...
Except Godd is a fictional character, I only write non-fiction only Very Happy
Haha sorry...I think I just offended every Jebus-lover on the forum.

No worries about the necro...it's good to hear some feedback and the context of the poem still holds firm.
Bring em home.


Last edited by Spl. Durkee on Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:23 am; edited 1 time in total
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Jarhead999 76 65
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:21 am

Spl. Durkee wrote:
Jarhead999 76 65 wrote:
Excuse the necro, but Jesus Durkee, good job! I am deeply saddened by your loss, though. Godd rest his soul.

Amen...
Except Godd is a fictional character, I write non-fiction only Very Happy

Yeah, well you know, haha
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DrummerBoyz95
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:26 am

Wow, I can't believe I haven't seen this. It's probably the best poem I've read, and I hate reading poetry. Very eye-opening and inspirational.

The only advice I have is keep 'em coming Smile
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phredryxun92
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Fri Jan 22, 2010 4:15 pm

That was very nice but im sorry about your loss. Would have been great for my poetry thing the other week (we had to read a poem we got of the internet to the class) with your premission of cource. =]
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br55ftw
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Fri Jan 22, 2010 5:02 pm

Beautiful work, and although it has been said a lot, sorry about your friend.

I wrote a poem when I was 12 and it got in the local paper. It's not great, and kind of short...
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Spl. Durkee
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PostSubject: Re: Poem for the lost soldier   Mon Jan 25, 2010 1:23 am

br55ftw wrote:

I wrote a poem when I was 12 and it got in the local paper. It's not great, and kind of short...

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