Fiction (here it is)

alright Hobobob got me to do this. I am starting a writing career with a fiction story, it is ok in my view what about you guys

As I slowly glided towards the coast that meant salvation I saw the storm pull up what looked like flowers of reds greens yellows and blues. they were floating up twards me. showing no change in movment I slowed to se what was happening. they wern't flowers they were colored hawks. their talons were golden like the sun and they were fully extended waiting for my flesh to hit them. They seemed to be waiting but for what? they slowed and then suddenly dived on me and pulled my feathers clean off, like pulling shed hair from a cat, then nothing.







"woah, looks like he's alive august, get me some more of that, its working!" a voice sounded
"Eh? it looks like that was enough, look at him, he's coming to." as he said that I opened my eyes weakly to see the paws of a big cat and the hooves of what looked like a horse.
"w-wha, who?"my voice was drifting in and out
"ah, you can talk, ye got caught by the raiders, bad time to fly."he chukkled.
"who, who are you?" I questioned
"August, he's going down again, listen kid, I'm coopyr. You are hit hard, we'll need to get you back to my cottage, ok?August get back soon!"
"Hit hard?"
"your completly fine here, but if you must know... your wings are torn to the point of nearly falling off." Then the pain came, a full body swarm of fire. the pain had me down.


When I awoke, I saw a wooded area sliding along, like I was flying. I found that my wings were patched with something like weaving. The forest opend up to a clearing and then a grassy prarie. the grass was flowing up like long fur.

"Augustus when we get back I want you to get me water, some of the poppies from Pomona, and her sewing supplies, he's going to need them quick."
"Aye, and what about the blood loss?"
"We'll see about that just get him in."I felt myself gliding down twards a dwelling that smelt of berries and various herbs. then slowly falling down to a soft spot in the floor like a nest.
" Ok, kid you awake?" Coopyr whispered.
"Y-yeah...where am I?"
"you are in my winery, listen you are in need of some work. You are going to be out for a while so I can patch you up and get you back to a stable position. If you keep calm, we can give you a lower amount of poppies and you will be up faster, if you don't you will be down for a day.So, let me tell you what we are doing. You got hit by the raiders that plague our area and they hit you nice. you have lost some of your wing so you will need to learn how to fly all over again. We are going to get you stiched up and try to get you up and walking around soon, but it will take some work on your part, oh here comes Augustus, nighty night." and soon after I was out while they were "patching" me up, sewing my wing together with some sort of string.



I awoke the next day to see that I had been moved to a cot uo in the attic of the cottage and voices were talking below.
"Do you think he'll be alright? He looked bad." a new soft voice asked.
"I don't know Pomona, we'll have to see, but, I'll not be able to keep him with me, what should we do? He can't go out there alone now." Coopyr slowly whispered.
"I'll take him, but how will I get him there?" Pomona softly asked.
""Augustus can get him there and you will need to get him up again, you can teach him, I know you can."Coopyr reassured.

"Hey kid, you awake?", I lifted my head"Good, that means your heading out with pomona to her orchard.She offered to take you as a member of her family for now. Just trust her, if she says to do somthing its for a good reason. Well, do ya need help on getting up?"
"No I think I can get up." I slowly lifted myself up and walked out with coopyr to where Augustus was waiting.

"I suppose that you wont mind that Augustus takes you to the orchard?I saw some of the wolves near here stalking."Coopyr wondered.I stood there relising what the land here was like, a world plunged into war and hate.

"Wolves?"I asked with fear like that of horror.
"don't worry about that Coopyr,I can get by them any day,'till I see that they take me down,I will get the runs through."Augustus reassured me and coopyr,"Well, lets get going better get there before sun high....Almost forgot, son what is your name? We were questioning eachother about if we knew."I stood there relising what had happened through the days before then.
"Dowas."I confidently answered
"Ah that clears a lot up.Dowas get up into the pouch on me, it will sneak you past some of the check points but if you get caught just get ready for a fight, can you take that?"
"I might be able to, but what about my wing being torn? Wont it lead to me being flightless for some time?"
"Agh, what are we going to do about that Coopyr?"Augustus questioned concerned.
"Move using stealth, oh and Dowas, just whip them.Now go!" And with that I as best I could hopped up into the pouch around Augustus's neck as he scrambled to get to the orchard in time.We got going pretty fast if I say so myself.

"Dowas, I snuck out a few things as well, Lono's comming and I wanted to get some stuff, so try not to damage any of it.
thats it so far and thank you hobobob for the idea

The first paragraph is very vivid in its description, I like it. Apart from just little Grammar mistakes like commas, capatilazation, and starting new paragraphs/sentences when needed it seems like a very good story. Good luck with it!

editing will take care of that but it takes a while

Okay. Keep up the use of good vocab but don't over-do it. I see too many authors over use vocab words and it gets repetitive and corny.

vocab?????????????????? like nice nice nice over and over

Yeah just repeating the same words. Vary your sentence structure.

you sound like my advanced English teacher
LOL but she is a nice english teacher......(LONE WOLF ANY JOKES????? LOL)
but yeh, and the book is stalling a new book I am reading took most of my time and
1 airsoft
2 school
3gardening
4 staying after school for whatever
5 dreaming

nice, i didnt know you were like this ww

the story has been edited and I'd be happy to post it again if somone would like

anyone just post/PM me to get it going

White Wolf

HoboBob wrote:

Okay. Keep up the use of good vocab but don't over-do it. I see too many authors over use vocab words and it gets repetitive and corny.

Ditto, don't over do dialogue, I would use a more descriptive narrator approach than dialogue. Use dialogue to show thoughts/emotion/idea not to visually describe things.

Example:
Joe saw a squirrel with a broken leg,
"poor thing" he said
then he shot it.

THE END!

well LW this is a 1st person but it is switching into a 1st person so it'll change......

white wolf wrote:

well LW this is a 1st person but it is switching into a 1st person so it'll change......

No, keep the same perspective throughout the story. I have yet to read a book that switches perspectives in the middle of it.

well, it is odd, but it changes soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo slowly that its hard to tell, even I didn't

addition to the story,

"well, been a while but were here, Pomona, where ya at?"
"up here, I'll be down just stay there."Pomona just almost floated down from a large pole with vines climbing up it like the waves of the river crossing the valley,"Ah, you must be.........Dowas? Charmed, I'm Pomona as you've heard, Welcome to my little home, I'll save you the big welcome lecture and just get you to your hollow. Nice, I might add, it is right by the river and just wonderous when you open your mind, but I guess that you, August must be off, getting t'wards dusk, and the wolves have been seen by him!"
"Pomona who is-"
"Musn't tell you Dowas, got to get moving and if you need anything Pomona-" augustus replied.
Pomona showed me to my hollow, the flowers of the tree were falling and they made a figure once Pomona left, a dog of sorts, staring at me,, It cut me off from the rest of the world and seemed to be...... Finding somthing, and then slowly dissapearing into the rain of pinks and the river's rapids slowly babbling I came back and found that it was already sunset and the stars were slowly peering over the trees.