Joke Thread

I believe it is time for this forum to have a joke thread!

I'll get started!

Did you hear about that guy that was caught snorting a duck? They say he's addicted to quack.

A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe manages to piss off the guy, so guy pushes the giraffe down. The giraffe tries and tries and tries, but he can't get up. So as the man turns around to leave, the bartender says "Hey, you can't just leave that lyin' there!" and the guy turns around and says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

A big tomato and a little tomato are walking down the street. The little tomato falls behind, and pisses off the big tomato, so he turns around and squashes the little tomato and says "Catch up!"

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

I'm just getting started guys, let's see a few of yourse first though

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Two blondes walk into a bar.....you would think one of them would have seen it.

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

As long as theres beer.....

These are all pretty lame, gonna top all of you with this one!

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)



sticks

Mods, mind if we get the offensive jokes going here, all in good fun? I will refrain from posting any until we get an answer.

What's the fastest way to break up a game of Bingo in Baghdad? Yell "B-52"

Bah... lemme think of some more clean ones....

edit: sticks, that was great, haha

Hitler goes to a fortune teller and asks, "When will I die?" The fortune teller says, "you will die on a jewish Holiday." Hitler says, "How do you know it will be a Jewish Holiday?" The fortune teller replies, "because any day you die will be a jewish holiday."
-----------------

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings

3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva
---------------------

Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?

A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.
---------------------

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

Those were pretty good ILFT, the last one had me lol-ing in real life.

sticks

Haha same here with the one you posted.

Jarhead999 76 65 wrote:

Mods, mind if we get the offensive jokes going here

...Read that again...

Did the Gunny get the job?

PM me a list of jokes, no racist ones. But I can go through and ok the other ones.

sticks

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

LOL!!!! I bet that guy got a nice big check xD

Now I'm kinda tempted to do the math and see how much that would have been....

EDIT: An estimation is upwards of $506,880,000,000

These were all approved by sticks.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo".

Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools only use the car on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit"