from jarhead "name it 'Jarhead999 76 65 Should Die" stories

then a sperm whale is called into existence 30,000 ft above you and falls right on top of you (yes, that is from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

the sperm whale gets killed to death by native americans, making blood in the stream.
Pirrannahs soon come! But they avoid the whale, and start munching you to pieces!

i fend off the pirannhas with a frag grenade. i do not detonate the grenade, i beat them with it. in the process, the pin falls off and the pan flips away. the grenade detonates, blowing my right leg off.

then(like bruce willis), you suck it up and out of nowhere grab an mp5 and shoot a terrorist who(with his finger still on the trigger) mows you down as he gets blown back. then as your lying there vulnerable and helpless, because you ran out of bullets, hannah motanna comes out and sings you her new song, causing your head to explode.

my head would not explode. no, it would be like sticking your face in a microwave. i would die from radiation poisoning.

then it melts off like the guys from [i]Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

mmm, chili. sorry, were we talking about something?

then all of the sudden a crazy squirl eats your limp, bloody, faceless body,
then the squirl goes crazy with a mini m60 and kills Paris Hilton

then a jew (sorry about my racism) come beating you with the only money in israel, a penny.(again sorry for my racism.)

a muslim penny declares a Jihad on the jewish penny and i am stuck in the crossfire.

An Asian without any knowledge of what just when down finds a taco on the ground that has a bomb inside, he eats it and joins you in the crossfire, were he gets shot and you both blow up

(psst, the term 'chinaman' can be derogitory! quick, change it, before anybody notices!)

While you and the china man are on the ground the hottest chick you have ever seen comes to revive you, while your lips are locked, you soon find out she was a distant relative.....

pst, you wouldnt care! then you get arrested and thrown in prison and your cellmate thinks your sexy!

then the 30 years that you are in prison go by, and you go back to the neverending... you know what lets just say he got hit by a car when he got out.

and after i was hit by a car, i am sent to jail, again, where i promptly drop the soap/

and then the people laugh at you because its the same prison and youve always dropped the soap before.

so i then buy soap on a rope from a corrupt prison guard named Sal.

and then they all sing louie louie with a fat canadian lumberjack......with a sumbraro

the canadian lumberjack's name is Jeff. suddenly, Jeff realizes he knows me from that one club in Baghdad, so he beats me senseless with a bottle of syrup while yelling "IT'S KELLOGS!"

then one night you bust out with a perv in return for a little ''favor'', you get AIDS and die, but turn into a zombie then they find a cure and you are cured but are then are cursed by looking ugly,not that you don't already(just kidding ), in which you avoid people for the rest of your life.

i venture out of my Recluse-Lair and get stabbed by a goat with a 'tude

the goat then starts drinking your blood, and his eyes turn red.

and you come back to life as its slave and get mortally wounded by a SWAT team only to come back to life

i am severely beaten with high heels by a hemaphrodite named Pat.